by Parenting Coach Cassie Gudmundson
Imagine another mom walked up to you at the coffee shop and said “Hey, I see you’re using that mug. Let me have it now.”
“Oh I’m not done yet,” you say.
“But it’s my turn. You have one minute to finish and give it to me,” she said.
Would that be okay? Or normal? Of course not! We would be so baffled by this behavior, and probably think that person was pretty entitled. So why do we teach young kids to share like this?
Sharing vs. True Generosity
Wanting to teach sharing generally comes from a well-meaning place. We want our kids to be aware of others, considerate, and generous. But traditional forced sharing doesn’t actually teach those skills. And in fact, it can backfire when our littles ones start to build resentment towards us, our belongings, and their siblings.
Developmentally, it’s also not something we can expect from toddlers. Until around 4-6 years old, young kids aren’t playing cooperatively. They are either independent, or sometimes parallel playing (ie. near each other, but doing their own thing). Their brain is also in an ego-centric focus until around age 7 years old (meaning they are very self focused — and that’s not a bad thing)! But it means their ability to think of others, or even give up something of their own to a sibling or friend, is a skill very much still developing.
Forced Sharing
Forced sharing looks like setting timers to limit how long our child has something, making them give it up before they’re done, or giving a toy to another child simply to stop a tantrum.
So what do we do instead? We focus on taking turns & practicing thinking of others.
My 4 year old and 2 year old play together often, so this practice comes up daily. When my 4 year old has a train that the 2 year old wants, I don’t say “1 more minute and then give it to your brother! It’s his turn.” I model & help them practice asking for a turn.
I tell my 2 year old, “It looks like he is playing. Do you want to ask for a turn?” Then my 4 year old is free to decide what he wants to do. Either hand it over, or calmly say “I’m not done yet. You can have it when I’m finished.”
Does this always work out peacefully & happily? No, of course not. Sometimes there are tears, tantrums & really big feelings. But here is why that’s okay.
Benefits of ditching sharing and focusing on waiting for a turn
● Frustration tolerance — this is one of the best skills we can teach (that will actually reduce tantrums). It’s OKAY for your child to be frustrated if they have to wait. Model emotional regulation skills to manage that feeling.
● Teaching patience — in adult life, we don’t always get what we want, the second we want it. We have to wait in line, plan for things we want, and have patience. Turn taking teaches this skill from a young age, instead of expecting instant gratification.
● Genuine generosity — true generosity comes from within. It’s not forced. As parents, we can model sharing & being generous — with our kids and other people! And when our kids share from a genuine place, we can speak to that! “Wow I saw you gave him the train. That was so thoughtful of you.”
● Setting & handling healthy boundaries — boundaries are so important. And honoring them starts from a very young age. Using turn taking gives us the opportunity to help our kids notice & honor somebody else’s “NO” with respect. It also gives them the chance to practice and get confident at setting boundaries! This is so beneficial if we don’t want them to grow up and become people pleasers.
● Problem solving skills — turn taking and true sharing opens up space for true problem solving skills. I often say to my kids “oh it looks like everybody wants that truck. Hmm. What can we do to solve this?” Instead of always coming to us and expecting parents to fix arguments, they learn to negotiate, compromise and solve issues together as a team.
This isn’t a one-and-done conversation you’re going to have around sharing. Expect for your kids to still get into scuffles and arguments, especially if they are under 5 years old. But the more you practice and model these skills, the better they get!
3 Quick Ways to Practice in Daily Life:
● Read books: (like Keisha the Kind) about frustration, being generous and taking turns!
● Role play what to do: grab your kids for 5 minutes and pretend or act out what happens in different situations!
● Coach them through hard moments: stick close to help your young children practice boundaries, model what to say & help them regulate through big feelings.
