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How to Repair after Yelling at Kids

How to Repair after Yelling at Kids

Dr. Emily, OTD, OTR/L

"YOU broke the garage door!"

I instantly wished I could take the words back, as my 3-year-old stood nervously in the garage, shuffling away from our now non-functional garage door.

I was feeding the baby when my three-year-old twins zipped into the garage. When I heard them banging on the door, I called out "please stop." Of course, I was baby-trapped, trying not to interrupt a feeding to get us out the door as quickly as possible. Then, I heard a BANG-obviously coming from the garage door.

When I got to the garage, not only was the door stuck-it was making this awful alarm sound that it has never made before. Internally, I was screaming "HOW did he manage this? After I TOLD him to stop!"

I was furious-or really, just overwhelmed by everything I was juggling in that moment. The hungry baby. Two curious toddlers who touch everything. Being solely responsible for getting everyone ready for the day. And, now, a non-functional garage door. Not to mention the expense to fix it.

Two Things Can Be True

Did yelling about the broken garage door make me feel better? No. Did yelling about the garage door make me a bad mom? Also no. In the moment, my nervous system was working overtime (and I'm actually feeling some sympathy for myself as I type this).

Every great parent loses the plot every now and again. What's important is what you do next. and this is the piece that a lot of parents get wrong. Instead of doubling down on your choice to yell, and saying “I was overwhelmed and needed to yell in that moment….”-remember that two things can be true.:

You were overwhelmed when you raised your voice, and also-raising your voice at your kids did not help anyone in the moment. Yelling at kids doesn’t teach them to listen to you, and it certainly doesn’t make you feel better.

How to Repair

Here’s how I handled it: I got everyone out the door, to the car, buckled, and let myself sit for a minute. Jumping immediately into an apology isn’t necessary, especially if you are still overwhelmed.

Then, I calmly said "I am sorry that I yelled. I know that must have felt scary. Next time, Mommy will be in control and will not lose my cool." 

Notice how I didn't try to justify my words by saying "but you broke my garage door!" Because he already knew that he made a mistake. This wasn't a teaching moment, it was a repair moment. What’s important here is showing your child that you can take accountability when you make a mistake-that is a HUGE life skill that they are learning just by watching you.

You Don't Have to Be Perfect

Every parent has words that we wish we could take back. What matters more than those words are the words that we use to repair.

If you needed this reminder today: your child does not need a perfect parent. They need a parent who shows up in tough moments, and works hard to teach them important life skills, like how to repair when you lose your cool

For more resources on teaching kids important self regulation skills, check out the Team Supercrew SOS Kit.

We're cheering you on, one repair conversation at a time.

Frequently asked question:

My child will only listen if I yell at them. What am I doing wrong?

Most often, this happens when kids have learned that their boundary testing is effective. Here’s an example: You tell your child to stop splashing in the bath. He keeps splashing. You ask again, and he still doesn’t stop. This continues until you finally lose your cool and yell “STOP IT!” and then, they stop.

When this pattern repeats, kids learn that they don’t have to listen unless you are yelling. Here’s what I would do differently in this scenario: After the first splash, I say “Water stays in tub.” After the second splash, I calmly pull the plug of the bathtub, gently lift them from the bath and say “water stays in tub. try again tomorrow” and then continue with the evening routine. This shows kids that your boundaries and firm, and that you are cool and in control.

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