Amanda Mathers Rockefeller, OTR/L
When most parents think about potty training, I assume they picture M&Ms, tears, frustration, LOTS of messes. And they aren’t totally wrong.
The thing I find frequently overlooked by parents & professionals is that potty training is about much more than learning a physical skill. It also requires children to recognize what their bodies are telling them, manage a big life change, relax and coordinate the pelvic floor, and adapt to a new routine. It's no surprise that potty training can bring so much excitement one day and extreme frustration the next.
Why Potty Training Can Feel So HARD
From an adult's perspective, using the toilet feels automatic… but for children, potty training asks them to master several new skills all at once, and often with the pressure of doing it in a SINGLE weekend.
It's completely normal for children to experience fear, frustration, embarrassment, or resistance as they learn, just as we do as adults when we are learning something new.
Learning to Listen to Their Body
One of the most important skills involved in potty training is interoception, plainly put, our ability to notice and understand what's happening inside our bodies.
Interoception helps us recognize when we're hungry, thirsty, tired, need to use the bathroom, or even when our heart is racing because we're feeling nervous.
Some children have a more natural ability to notice these body signals, while others may take more time to build this skill. Developing this body awareness takes time and practice. Just like learning to ride a bike or zip a jacket, recognizing internal body signals is a skill that grows with experience and practice.
A Calm Body Learns Best
When children feel overwhelmed, pressured, or anxious, it can be much harder to tune into body signals or relax enough to use the toilet comfortably. On the other hand, when children feel safe and connected, they're often better able to notice what their bodies are telling them and approach this new skill with more confidence.
Creating a calm, supportive environment helps children practice these new skills without fear of making mistakes.
Simple calming activities before or during potty time, such as taking deep, slow breaths together, reading a short book about toileting, or, my favorite, blowing bubbles, can help children settle their bodies enough to learn and respond.
There isn't one "right" way to help children learn to regulate their emotions, but these strategies can make potty training feel more manageable.
Validate Their Feelings
It's normal if your child feels nervous, frustrated, embarrassed, and scared; avoid rushing to fix those emotions; simply acknowledge them.
"I know this feels hard."
"It's okay to be nervous, this is new."
"Learning new things takes practice."
Feeling understood helps children move through big emotions more easily.
Stay Calm During Accidents
Accidents, or as I prefer to call them: “leaks,” are part of learning.
Responding with patience instead of frustration teaches children that mistakes are expected and that they can keep trying. A calm response also helps preserve their confidence throughout the process.
Keep the Pressure Low
Celebrate when your child notices they need to go or attempts to sit on the toilet, even if they don't pee or poop. Acknowledging their small wins builds the confidence needed for long-term success. This should be fun. If you are stressed, your child will inevitably be stressed too.
Create Predictable Routines
Children often feel more secure when they know what to expect. Offering regular potty opportunities like first thing in the morning or right after dinner, keeping routines consistent, and using familiar books or songs can help make potty time feel less stressful and less like a chore. And start introducing this skill EARLY so that the topic and concept are normal to them by the time they hit late toddlerhood.
Please Remember: Milestones Look Different for Every Child
Potty training is rarely a straight line. There will likely be days of great success but also plenty of regressions, accidents, and “I don’t want to’s." That's all part of the learning process.
I know you want the diaper phase to be over, it will happen. But don’t rush this one.
When children feel supported through both the physical and emotional parts of potty training, they're learning lessons that will last far beyond potty training and simply how to use the toilet.
Frequently Asked Question
"My child pees on the potty but refuses to poop. What should I do?"
This is incredibly common. Poop withholding is often not about being stubborn but more often rooted in fear, discomfort, or, in my practice, typically connected to constipation. If your child has had a painful bowel movement in the past, they may begin avoiding pooping altogether.
Rather than pressuring your child to "just go," or using shameful language, punishing them, or even withholding rewards, focus on helping them feel safe and relaxed enough to release. Start by incorporating pelvic floor relaxing activities such as playing in a deep low squat and taking long, deep breaths. If withholding continues or your child shows any signs of constipation, talk with your pediatrician. Addressing constipation early can prevent the cycle from becoming more difficult to break.
